once again my heart, and slightest bit of hope i had, has been shattered. I have absolutely no clue where to go from here. am i worth it, worth it enough to keep enduring this pressure to try to get some help. NO one understands how much I want freedom, and I can't do anything to convince them of it. i could make a drastic move, just end it all, then they would really know how much I wanted it... denying someone of something that they want, let alone need it's horrible.

my chances of going back to school are over. i can't do that anymore.  anything i want is out of question. so now i'm stuck sluffing through this life at a rate of less than mediocre. working a shabby job with partime hours-- i guess it's better than not working at all, but at least then i'd have an excuse for having nothing.

God, I need an intervention stat. did i choose to have those things happen to me God. but that's why my life is like the way it is now. choices, it's my fault, right.
what is the point anymore. i guess i'd rather choose a life of hell, over eternity in hell.

where do i begin.

this year has brought me so many places. from orange city, to colgate; from johnston to patterson; from iowa to california, through nebraska, wyoming, utah, nevada and back. from granite bay to rumsey, from sacramento, to LA... so many places, people and faces, so many memories, and not always the best.

God obviously knew what He was doing when He had me leave NW last fall, and He still does, even though I am still at a loss for what i will be doing this year. God's plan is amazing, however i've realized lately that it doesn't just show up if you don't want it, you have to crave it, long for it, wish it were for you, and know it's best...

it's been so easy to slack on my faith lately, blaming it on busyness etc. no longer can i just say, yeah i went to an amazing mega- church in Granite Bay, California, where Lincoln Brewster was our worship leader. who gives where i am, what i am doing or how i am doing it, if in all honesty, in the quiet of my heart, i am not doing what God know's is best.

everyday, from now on, i need to make that choice to not give in to temptation and sin. everyday from now on, i need to forgive my two friends who have both, in their own ways, decided that they aren't going to be the friend i always knew them as. that sounds shallow, but it's much deeper than that.

it's like the more and more i lose, (What God blessed me with in the first place) the more I appreciate the little things in life. the relationships, the talks, the silence... and so on. i miss my brother, basic is beating the crap out of him. i miss my dad, and i'm sure he is dying of bordom out in cali. i miss my gg, and as much as i couldn't wait to come back here, i loved living with her out in cali. i miss jess and lindsey. but as much as i love them, more so, i know it's healthier to stay away from those kinds of lifestyles. it's sad, but it's the truth.

God, whatever you have in store for me... i'm here. Take me and break me, i am yours.